Back on (the same?) track

This post is also available in: Nederlands (Dutch)

Since Little Blond made up her mind to stay in Portugal, there are some consequences she has to face, considering her fresh love in Holland. It makes her reflect on what is important in life again and whether or not a relationship is what she really wants or needs right now. It all reminds her of a blog she wrote three years ago…

Relate-to or relationship? Some years ago I discovered that I do not really fit into a relationship. Not in a traditional way that is. After my last long term relation with a man I still love dearly, a new commitment in a similar way did not seem to work anymore. Why is that? Have I changed so much that I am not flexible enough anymore? That I am not able to compromise? It seems that I have other ‘standards’ than most people, than men in my case. For me a relationship is not so different from relate-to, which we do with people around us, animals, nature and objects. Even intimacy is not so as strictly and sharp outlined with what is acceptable and what not.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not the bee who will land on every flower around her.

But I like many flowers and I need to feel the freedom to explore the world and collaborate in that.

I cannot predict the future nor give guaranties. It feels unnatural and not true to me. And as everyone is entitled to create their own form which will meet their needs best, so am I…

In the weeks after my decision to stay in Portugal it becomes clear that this fresh, now long-distance relationship is not working out. Our expectations and needs differ too much to overcome.

But besides that I discover that my true, pure self or ‘purpose’ seems to win territory from the desire of wanting to be special.

One of my hidden, not so mature, motivations of having a relationship. There is that fairy tale graving girl again! aha! Got you!

Behind this falling apart desire I feel a different kind of ‘need’, or better said, nature. It, my (soul)purpose or intention, or whatever ‘it’ is, knocks on the door.

And by opening this door it says: “You need to just Be”.

As simple as that… So the purpose has no purpose in a way. Not a specific one, that is. It all makes a traditional intimate relationship not as important, not the main focus. This insight gives new lightness in the situation. Although the man in question does not feel entirely the same. But that I cannot help.

In order to stay where I am, there are some things which need to be done. Not only will I need wood for the winter, I want to bring some changes into the house. But most important, the surroundings need to be ‘cleaned’. And by that they mean that around the Quinta, bushes, grass and very flammable kinds of trees need to be cut. Since the fires of last year, new and stronger regulations are to be met.

But above all, I already died in a fire once, that will not happen again! 😉

With the owner of the Quinta I cut a deal and the next day I start with my new ‘toy’, the bush mower, building my ’empire’. And as dirty as I can be, that evening I sit down next to the fire, still burning from the fresh cut bushes, drinking my beer straight from the bottle, feeling very satisfied.

The relationship with the ‘man inside me’ is growing again and we like it!

Biggg kiss from Little Blond

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