Finding my Prince

This post is also available in: Nederlands (Dutch)

Time has passed by and Little Blond is slowly coming to her senses, getting more peaceful and clear again. The story about the oak trees (Mysteries being solved) leads her eventually to her prince…

Being many days in a row totally alone in the rural brings you to your core, your essence, your naked self or pure life, if you will. Well, that is my experience. The days look all the same, time is not as important. Maintaining life seems to be taken most of my time. Preparing food, cleaning the surroundings, washing my clothes, collecting wood and making fire to keep warm, because the nights are getting colder. Taking care of my body becomes also different, since the water does not stay warm longer than one minute, taking a shower is not as comfortable as I am used to. It is good to realize how lucky you are when you have running, and especially warm, water. And for my body, it seems to change, or at least I get a different kind of relationship with it. Becoming more of a team and starting to love every part of it (although some people, including my mind sometimes, would say it has imperfections).

One night sitting in front of the fireplace, I decide “I am keeping this body”… wow, what a relief!

In between my ‘doings’ there is time to face my mind. I see it making stories, creating and destroying, sometimes dissolving ‘me’, kidnapping me from the moment, and making drama. In a way I love getting into the story, feeling the intensity of human life, the up’s and the down’s, as long as I can step out of it. There are minutes, hours, even days that I am not able to, with all emotions taking control… But luckily there is this little part, in the back of my head, or in every cell of my body, that tells me it is all right. It is somehow for the good. It seems that I need to sink deep into the ocean of all of this (whatever it is), in order to come up to the surface, and find my essence floating there all along…

Getting more and more aware, I start checking my motivations behind my desires, my intentions, before I act on it. So is it that I hold my horses for five days straight, before going out and ‘explore the west part of the Alentejo’, because I recognize that I am really running away from pain. The pain of not been seen, rejected, left alone. Provoked by the failing of a love story. And although I see that this pain is old, universal, and in fact from the little girl inside me, it is necessary for me to take responsibility for these feelings right now. There are mine, nobody’s fault, and they need to been seen. By facing them, feeling them, in a way they resolve. Like a wave in the ocean. On the other hand they will always be there, but in the background. Just like the wave remains a part of the ocean.

The question is, how much do I let these feelings control me? Or don’t I have a say in this?

Anyway, before the failing of the love story, I ‘found out’ that I indeed had lived here before. It might not make sense, but this was my experience. It was like a movie running in my head. The scene was here in in the Alentejo, around 200 years ago, where I was sitting on front of my Quinta, waiting for my lover to come home. There was a fire, I got closed in, and died from the heat while embracing a cork oak tree. A sad tale. The man in this story felt very guilty and responsible for my death, because he believed he could have saved me, not making a detour coming home… This spring, when I arrived in the Alentejo, I met a man.  He turned out to be the lover of this previous life. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I knew that I had known him before, although I was here for the first time. The power of our encounter was overwhelming, the attraction between us enormous. Unfortunately the love was ‘old’ and not for continuing a love relationship in thìs life. But merely, I think, to close the past and, as for myself, to leave a very deep hidden pattern behind…

To stop waiting for something or someone!

Even the little girls image of the prince, the knight in shining armour, who is to rescue me, needed to be washed away from the far corner of my mind. It was all pretty painful, but it also set me free.

Live life, Little Blond, right here, right now! This is it! It is all up to you!

So if you or I believe in this story, in a past life, is not relevant. Whether it acually happened or it is just a reflection of my mind, an attempt to explain the world we live in or to give some sort of meaning to life, it does not matter. It helped me understand ‘myself’ better. And I feel strong and grounded now. The fire in me is burning, fierce and endless, and I am the only one who is to tame this fire.

As for the prince… The man of the story, I still feel love for him (I always say: “Love never disappears, only its colour changes”) and I am very grateful that I met him. He opened many doors, in and for me. And it is because of this man I found my new love! A beautiful dog called Beijos (translated: kisses), also known as Little Prince, mý little prince to be precise!

And we lived happily ever after….

Biggg kiss from Little Blond (and Little Prince 😉 )

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