Imprisoned

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Little Blond is getting out of her cocoon, transforming into a butterfly, ready to fly from flower to flower. Although winter is not yet over, the world is slowly beginning to move again, and the warmth of her home is attracting people…

Since my roots are more grown and deepened than ever before, I feel grounded and stories begin to fade away. Life is more like a playground again and I am less the slave of my emotions. Though I am quite familiar with this perspective, this attitude, I notice that the horizon has broadened. And I, the one I call ‘me’, am more here, more present. Ready to go out in to the world again, to experience if this new obtained ‘status’ holds when I am in contact, in relation, with others. Because I am aware of the absorbent power of my old patterns and habits, it is time to investigate. Ànd to enjoy life together with others again! So I ‘send out’ my intentions…

The first week of January a guest arrives, whom I barely know.  It turns out we ‘move’ easy and smooth, gliding through the sky like two synchronously flying birds. And although we connect very deeply and built intimacy through out the week, I see me not ‘losing myself’. Becoming something I am not due to the pattern of wanting to be liked, to be loved. No, I stay completely myself, act no different then what and whom I am inside. And furthermore I notice that I am not making any ‘stories’ out of this encounter. Wow, what a relieve.

Thís is real freedom!

Surely this happened before, but not with such completeness and ease. Or better said, not this awake, for I am more clear than ever…

After a week we say goodbye, and before the next guest arrives I have two days to clean the house and be a moment alone again. Although, alone? With a dog you never are 😉 . This kind of relationship is new to me. Yes, I took care of dogs from friends for short periods of time, but never ‘owned’ a dog myself. In the beginning, I must confess, I had my doubts. It takes away a part of your freedom. And since I had not really a clue in how to take care of a young dog, I sometimes felt insecure and not fit. But persistently following my intuition I grew stronger in how to handle this new situation, and so did my love for this beautiful creature. Who is talking about freedom then?

I realize that freedom lies within every situation. It is all about perspective, your attitude.

Dedication, commitment, brings beautiful things, but also has its challenges. In a way I feel I have to defend my new found freedom of the last couple of years. Why? What is there to defend? Am I not able to commit anymore? I ask myself. I had committed before, in jobs, love relationships, friendships, cats, even in buying houses. So what is holding me back? Have my values changed so much? Have I become more selfish? Hmmm…

Well, building the relationship with my Little Prince proved me that I am still capable of committing. It is all about exchange, giving and receiving. Ánd staying strong in the things in which I do not want to compromise anymore. That does not make me more selfish, not in an unhealthy way at least.

In this way I can take care of my own needs as well as the needs of others.

Because in the end we all need each other. Preferable meeting without (to high) expectations, experiencing one another in thàt freedom…

Eventually the next guests arrive, this time relatives. Well known, so I suppose. It turns out we discover sides of each other, which we have never seen before. How special! And in these encounters, which feel like a fresh start of getting acquainted again, I also get a nice oppertunity to look me in the mirror again. To find out that I have been robbing myself of my own freedom. Imprisoned myself in a way, here in Portugal. While having the idea that I have to stay in Portugal, no matter what. What? Because leaving would be a fiasco? A failure? Aha! Speaking of freedom…

In life there are no failures, no real ones.

I have to allow myself to change my mind. Through new insights acquired in the course of time and life unfolding other options, it is all right to change direction. That is true dedication, commitment, towards yourself. To respond to what life is asking you. So, be flexible and bend with the wind!

Biggg kiss from Little Blond

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