This post is also available in: Nederlands (Dutch)

Little Blond is getting out of her cocoon, transforming into a butterfly, ready to fly from flower to flower. Although winter is not yet over, the world is slowly beginning to move again, and the warmth of her home is attracting people…

Since my roots are more grown and deepened than ever before, I feel grounded and stories begin to fade away. Life is more like a playground again and I am less the slave of my emotions. Though I am quite familiar with this perspective, this attitude, I notice that the horizon has broadened. And I, the one I call ‘me’, am more here, more present. Ready to go out in to the world again, to experience if this new obtained ‘status’ holds when I am in contact, in relation, with others. Because I am aware of the absorbent power of my old patterns and habits, it is time to investigate. Ànd to enjoy life together with others again! So I ‘send out’ my intentions…

The first week of January a guest arrives, whom I barely know.  It turns out we ‘move’ easy and smooth, gliding through the sky like two synchronously flying birds. And although we connect very deeply and built intimacy through out the week, I see me not ‘losing myself’. Becoming something I am not due to the pattern of wanting to be liked, to be loved. No, I stay completely myself, act no different then what and whom I am inside. And furthermore I notice that I am not making any ‘stories’ out of this encounter. Wow, what a relieve.

Thís is real freedom!

Surely this happened before, but not with such completeness and ease. Or better said, not this awake, for I am more clear than ever…

After a week we say goodbye, and before the next guest arrives I have two days to clean the house and be a moment alone again. Although, alone? With a dog you never are 😉 . This kind of relationship is new to me. Yes, I took care of dogs from friends for short periods of time, but never ‘owned’ a dog myself. In the beginning, I must confess, I had my doubts. It takes away a part of your freedom. And since I had not really a clue in how to take care of a young dog, I sometimes felt insecure and not fit. But persistently following my intuition I grew stronger in how to handle this new situation, and so did my love for this beautiful creature. Who is talking about freedom then?

I realize that freedom lies within every situation. It is all about perspective, your attitude.

Dedication, commitment, brings beautiful things, but also has its challenges. In a way I feel I have to defend my new found freedom of the last couple of years. Why? What is there to defend? Am I not able to commit anymore? I ask myself. I had committed before, in jobs, love relationships, friendships, cats, even in buying houses. So what is holding me back? Have my values changed so much? Have I become more selfish? Hmmm…

Well, building the relationship with my Little Prince proved me that I am still capable of committing. It is all about exchange, giving and receiving. Ánd staying strong in the things in which I do not want to compromise anymore. That does not make me more selfish, not in an unhealthy way at least.

In this way I can take care of my own needs as well as the needs of others.

Because in the end we all need each other. Preferable meeting without (to high) expectations, experiencing one another in thàt freedom…

Eventually the next guests arrive, this time relatives. Well known, so I suppose. It turns out we discover sides of each other, which we have never seen before. How special! And in these encounters, which feel like a fresh start of getting acquainted again, I also get a nice oppertunity to look me in the mirror again. To find out that I have been robbing myself of my own freedom. Imprisoned myself in a way, here in Portugal. While having the idea that I have to stay in Portugal, no matter what. What? Because leaving would be a fiasco? A failure? Aha! Speaking of freedom…

In life there are no failures, no real ones.

I have to allow myself to change my mind. Through new insights acquired in the course of time and life unfolding other options, it is all right to change direction. That is true dedication, commitment, towards yourself. To respond to what life is asking you. So, be flexible and bend with the wind!

Biggg kiss from Little Blond

2 Replies to “Imprisoned”

  1. Hi Estel, nice post(s).
    I discovered it by “accident” (do they exist?) when I was setting up my new blog/site and installed the Instagram connection, you were the in the first image. “I know this woman from where?” I ask myself and Phine (my Dutch companion) enlightened me. You were in Castelhanas (Marvão) in our project some months ago (I was not there at the time), helping my dear neighbour/brother in this project Daniel (Flemish), but I met you at “Sábado Vivo” little community market in Castelo de Vide.
    In following your interesting way of making bilingual posts I read a couple of them and realise that my first thought when I met you and learn a little about your life in Portugal, that you were in what I call “the wanderer phase”, very rich and interesting way of learning the meaning of life and discovering the purpose of our own. I was almost ten years in that phase, trying to discover my place, my community, my tribe, and I didn’t regret them at all, they were precious.
    But I feel that there is a time for everything, a time to wonder and a time to take roots, make commitments as you refer with life. I like the unschooling way of learning by trial and error, creating our own road map, following what make us tick, and wandering is one of the best ways of do it, of learning to let go, to simplify our needs and stuff, to open the mind to the new, to the wonder of being alive and learn something new everyday, about us, our companions of journey,the world.
    In this years I have been literally in the road (5 times to Santiago de Compostela), co-created 2 communitys, lived in one other, woofing one year, living with 3 women (one at a time :), living in Caravans, tents, ruins and houses, owned a business, having animals (one deceased dog, now a cat), getting free of the most of my stuff (including 2 new cars), all in pursuit of myself, my freedom, my destiny.
    All that to say that, even if I always open to the next step, I think it is time (since 2 years ago) to take roots, to plant my garden, to find my purpose, perhaps my tribe. I fell that Castelhanas is that place where I can fulfil my destiny, to spread my wings and let the wander caterpillar phase back.
    I have a dream (found a purpose?) that I am tweaking with some wise people, and had the feeling that you are the kind of person that can help me in this quest, with whom I would like to co-create/consolidate this dream.
    Are you interested in talking about this? Perhaps in a physical way (the best), but also can be by skype, email or other way that you find suitable for you?
    Finally I want only comment your “feeling imprisoned”: we are all, since we incarnate, lost in these feeling, in this body, in this search to be free. But I wander if “feeling trapped” is not a better expression of your felling. If so, does it means that you feel puzzled with a “dead end” in your life? A Portuguese saying that “When God(or life) shuts a door always opens a window” is perhaps applicable, perhaps you need a fresh start, turn up the page, face others challenges. It is what I felt in your words.
    Thanks for your patience to read this long comment.
    Be happy!

    1. Dear Sergio!
      Wow what a beautiful comment you left! I am touched by your words and ‘feel’ your presence in them. I am honoured and curious about your idea/dream; so lets meet-up!
      And as for your suggestion in words; feeling trapped, yes in a way we are, I am, since we will leave the body someday (a dead end so to speak). But that is not what I meant in this post; it is more that the mind can put you between bars, since it creates limitations, illiusions… And yes, we have the same saying in Dutch, and it seems you just opened a new window! Thank you! Umbragio!
      Ps I will send you a personal message.

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